Roller Coaster

This has been one strange weekend. And it's only half over.

Friday after school, we went to the Happy Place where I really enjoyed myself and had a great time. But even better, after staying for an hour, I left with a friend to go see MIKE BIRBIGLIA in Columbia. Last minute plans. Found out Thursday he was going to be performing at Mizzou, called a friend that I knew loved him as much as me, got tickets, etc. So Mary and I are on the way to Mizzou to see Mike Birbiglia when my phone rings. It was my mom. I had just gotten done talking about her so I was really happy to hear from her. Until she told me why she was calling.

Aunt Tootie passed away. So I'm having a great time and looking forward to laughing my face off when I get horrible and depressing news. Can we say Mixed Emotions?

I resolved not to let the news keep me from enjoying myself. And as expected, Mike Birbiglia had me rolling with crazy laughter. Can't breathe, side hurts, laughter.

Then today. I find out the time for Aunt Tootie's visitation and funeral. Call to arrange a sub. Go to school. Realize I have entirely too much to do on Monday, too many things to start with my kids, that I really shouldn't miss school on Monday. Call and cancel the sub. Horrible feelings of guilt. Not sure if I am making the right decision. So torn. Then tonight. Had volunteered weeks ago to help chaperone/ help at an event. Remember the Stars. Basically a suicide prevention awareness concert thing. With members of To Write Love on Her Arms. Google it. Heavy stuff. Brings back painful memories. Didn't have anybody there that I really knew. A few from my district that I am acquaintances with but nobody to be there with. If that makes sense. I thought more people had signed up to help. People I could have hung with. A huge event filled with people and I felt so incredibly alone. And the speakers' whole message was that you're not alone. Not sure if this is ironic or just plain sad. Their stories were touching and thought provoking. Yt somehow I didn't feel as though I truly belonged in the community of people who were there. I felt like an outsider. Just alone. Earlier in the night, I had talked with one of the people I knew there, kind of one of the in charge people and told her about Aunt Tootie and having to drive to St. Louis tomorrow. A little while ago, she came and told me she thought I could go. That she'd feel better if I went. It made me feel nice knowing somebody was thinking of me. But then I cried the whole way home and I don't really know why.

Probably the complete and total inundation of emotions I've experienced in such short time already this weekend and what I know I have ahead of me. Not to mention the complete exhaustion I feel.

I just need to remember that I really am not alone. People care. It could be worse. Life is good. Things have a way of working out and happen for a reason. And all the other feel good things people say.